on NDERF
MY EXPERIENCE
I miscarried the baby in the hospital and though I was very sad about the event, I felt that all was meant to be. As if {I've never wanted to name the Divine} or as I would like to refer to here as, The Great Presence.
Two nurses came to take me up a few stairs to for an internal exam. As we went up I felt myself begin to reel backwards and off I went round and round through space, I stopped spinning and began flying past planets and stars, I flew through the rings of Saturn seeing massive rocks and dust particles right before my eyes, I was marveling at the astounding beauty and laughing about how no one would believe my experience on Earth. It all felt so wonderful so exactly perfect, I was an astronaut, a fabulous free spirit of joy! I was filled with indescribable joy and love for all of creation from the vastness of space to the smallest of all nano-expressions!
Then suddenly I was above my body which lay on a stretcher bed, wearing a white hospital gown, I looked at my body and knew it wasn't the real me, it was the thing I had been caught inside, and now I was free! Oh and how I felt such happiness! The joy was all pervading, it was the real world, pain , suffering, loss, all illusionary experience that we like to get all knotted up about.. everything was becoming clear to me oh and the nurses were calling my name, one was crying tears, another was saying ''oh my God, we've lost her!" meanwhile I was above them thinking what silly billys they were making all that fuss, wondering why they couldn't see me and just know that all was perfectly fabulous! Then I saw a window which was open about 6 inches wide and I thought ''wow, I wonder if I can fit through there, then instantly I was in another state.
I was flying through Goldenness, pure, serene, delightful, Goldenness. Oh wow! I was held by this serenity for the longest time, I couldn't do anything except be with It and It with me. It was inside me , It was me, It was in and with everyone and everything. It had always been in and with everything. It was/is, Truth and Love and Compassion and Joy and All. This Goldenness held all information. It was the One Mind. It contained the creation of all of everything ever created.
I felt, experienced, everything that has ever been and ever shall be. All is simultaneously occurring . There is no past or future. It all just IS. There is no way to describe the immaculate beauty of this experience, though every day for the last 35 years I wish I could find a way. Bliss, is a mere descriptive word, yet does not give to you what I wish I could, but yes bliss is close, sort of.
I saw and experienced every single detail of my present life up to that moment, like watching a movie yet starring as the main character simultaneously..that made me feel quite sad, as I had not lived my life in a state of serene joy, and felt ashamed..ashamed that I had not realized how imperative it is for one to be incredibly happy in this life..no matter the circumstances..the pain..the fear..no matter the matter!
All our material conflicts of body and mind are quite unimportant in the state of ultimate freedom and blissful awareness to which we shall all return. I felt I had been unfaithful to The Great Presence, who like a Divinely loving Mother, I had let down..I was my own judge..and yet I was this love simultaneously. I saw how all of Humanity has walked with eyes cast low to the Earth, not opening wide to the beauty of the One loving presence of Golden peace in which we truly live yet do not see. I saw how sadness overcomes those who cannot forgive themselves or others, and on their day of awakened mind they too shall be ashamed and slowly sink to lower experience.
I saw how in being uplifted we can all ascend to the true joy together as a loving family of Beings beyond human life in mundane ness. I saw how there is a level of fear so ingrained in some it's hard to look at and yet they too can find a way through to peacefulness. I saw how things will change, yet only after massive suffering and yet I saw too that it is possible to end suffering. I saw that I had a purpose and that all beings have purpose. I saw we are not separate, we are all the One. And I saw that we must have all the courage possible to achieve this fabulous unity. It is highly possible.
I felt and experienced all of creation as an omni-experience, there was no time involved at any level. I saw it is so simple it cannot be expressed, it is best to let the mind be still and then it may occur of itself. It was such a feeling of raised joy I was in, and in the distance a Great Presence appeared which is the most Ultimate of Holiness emanating extraordinary Brilliance! This Great Presence is the Heart of all of everything..and we are but foolish children!
I put my arms out to try to fly and saw that they were rainbows of colors I was a rainbow being..I was made of light and color I was overjoyed! I thought I can fly to the Great Presence before me and unite with the purity of all that is was and ever shall be..That was my hearts desire, to be at one with the Great Presence which 'they' call God, and yet I dare not announce a name to that which is beyond naming.
I begin to fly and move closer to that beauteous sight and begin to feel the Great Presence pervade my very core, as if my entirety is exploding into love..when a great powerful voice which seems to echo in all directions and vibrates through to my very soul declares "It is not your time" whereupon I feel such sorrow and in my mind I am saying "no no no please don't make me go back" for I do not want to return to this Earth, ever again.
I awake in the hospital bed two days later and cry in heartache that I am here on Earth again. I have never felt at home here, and have been alone with this and many other amazing and profound experiences for which I struggle to find anyone to connect with. So I do hope my experience is of some help, and I wish I could re-write it so I don't leave anything out..but I am afraid that would take a long time as there is too much to explain here. But since then I have been living as if in a double life, for no one would believe me if I told them everything I have seen.
Source
Questions from NDERF...
At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes I had mis-carried at 5 months pregnant, and as I lay in bed overnight I almost bled to death..they had to give me 6 pints of blood..I was 'out' or 'dead' for 6 minutes..I remained unconscious for two days.
Was the experience difficult to express in words?....Yes....Well to explain the VASTNESS of PURE JOY and WISDOM is impossible!!! Also, I have never spoken of this to anyone except a counselor who said nothing, being as she could not in her capacity as a counselor , share her feeling. I carry a lot of stuff I would like to share, but have not found anyone, except my friend Geoff in France, and he sent me a book saying..this is you Yaz....'Dying to be Me' by Anita Moojani, which made me cry tears of joy that another one has seen with similar eyes..and your email address is in the book...as you must know!
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?....More consciousness and alertness than normal I feel that my awareness was omnipresent during the Goldenness and expanding vastly as I neared The Great Presence of Light.....I was aware of all that is was and ever shall be. Whereas in this body I am aware of my insufficient awareness, except as an under-current.
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. My vision was not as if with these eyes..If you meditate you understand what I mean when I say 'see' for in heightened awareness states ones sees not with physical eyes but with simple awareness..impossible to explain..simple to experience.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Hearing is different from listening however that is another subject..but it is not through the ears but through awareness..being in the awakened state of awareness, means exactly that..one is aware of all simultaneously without effort of eyes or ears.
Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body? Yes I saw the nurses standing over my biological body, one was crying, they were stressing out because they realized the body was dead, the older one was being all controlling and in charge and the younger one was crying and getting very upset. I could feel their personalities and knew they were worried about getting into serious trouble..they were dropping things and rushing about , pushing alarm buttons and doing CPR on the body..I couldn't wait to leave ..when I awoke 2 days later the young nurse came to see me and told me I had died for 6 minutes and had been given more than 6 pints of blood..my arms and hands were a mass of bruises where they had tried to stick their lines in.
What emotions did you feel during the experience?....I felt profound love .. profound compassion..incredible unity..I still feel all of it, but living in this world is as if I have to 'pretend' to be someone I am not for fear of recrimination and distrust..I pretend to be a happy go lucky type who couldn't even spell the word 'profound'.
Did you pass into or through a tunnel?....No....
Did you see an unearthly light?....Yes....Yes I saw and became one with the pure Golden Light of the vast and great all knowing wisdom of all that is ..perhaps this is Nirvana , certainly it was bliss. All was alive with the Goldenness..yet it was all there ever could be..eternally perfect, undisturbed. Yet once the clear and even brighter light appeared I knew that was my ultimate goal, my real and true home, source, holy holy essence, divine sweetness, nectar, Divine hearth, it could be no less than the supreme heart of all creation, beyond anything I have ever found described in any 'holy' book. I am lost for words.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?....I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin Yes I felt the presence of a Being of great power and his voice was as pure and clear as is impossible to explain yet I am sure He was and is of Angelic potency as I have since born witness to an actual meeting with him in broad daylight once outside my house..and I have heard him call me in the night..and guide me in life..this is very difficult for me telling you but I feel it is my time to help, if I can in some small way.
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?....Uncertain this is difficult..being as all of life is held in the Goldenness and as it was in me and I in it and I felt all ..I was omni-present..therefore I was connected to all creation which includes everyone! But nobody was there right in front of me..yet everyone was there in the love!
Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?....Yes....I re-experienced every moment of my life in refined detail including all feelings, thoughts, sounds, smells, people, loves, hates, anger, sorrow, fear, happiness, fun times, food, everything up until I was in the Goldenness.. it was as if I had again lived my life , but from the standpoint of a witness.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?....A clearly mystical or unearthly realm....yes as I said earlier I entered a Golden Light which seemed to be that which contains all that is was and ever shall be..it is an omnipresent state of all knowing, all seeing, ...sublime being. The light held me, supported me, caressed me with purity Divine. I gazed into it seeing each particle bouncing around like billions of teeny atoms sparkling all about and within me, for as far as I could see which was forever. Then in the distance the great brilliance of the Great Presence appeared causing me to fly in desperation towards it, my true home. However no, I did not go into an altered reality, but I have done so in a float tank in recent years.
Did time seem to speed up or slow down?....Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning....No time only uni-verse...reality is in the words even..Reality, Real Light, simultaneous experience, constancy, now-ness, a harmony beyond music, purity of creation. I was experiencing being in the knowing of everything... I was aware of all and everything that is was and ever shall be.. it was a feeling of great wonder, like a child of innocence yet ancient and fully comprehensible.
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?....Everything about the universe....yes I understood EVERYTHING! It was a wondrous feeling of knowing at a level beyond 'normal' feeling or knowing, perhaps 'boundless wisdom' may describe it for you. I knew how everything came about through desire and addiction to behaviors, through yearning and fearful thoughts, through materialistic grabbing onto, and how beings/humans longed to find a way through but gave up due to constantly being magnetized to their fearful connections..not trusting their own heartfelt truths... giving their energy to negative forces... wanting to fit in... I knew everything about the world... animals, insects, ocean life, plants and trees, water, air, fire, the winds, the sky, song, all these things have life, the Great Mother Earth who loves us all, the harmony which awaits silently in the background of all experience for those with eyes to see.
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?....No....
Did you come to a border or point of no return?....I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was "sent back" against my will....
Did scenes from the future come to you?....Scenes from the world's future....I saw how the world of people was wanting to wake up yet there were some in high places who would all they could to stop it. But I saw that some beings on Earth had such high awareness that they would create a chain reaction and start the event of awakening. However I also saw that this has been in 'the works' for many eons and is the natural outcome of what has been, and why we are here, and I saw that all is perfect even though it really does not appear to be but it is because this is what will make the future assembly of humanity sing the one song which is their true birthright and inheritance from the first Mother and Father who art in Heaven..and here is where they begin to take over my writing..so you see it is difficult for me to stick to your format..I am struggling to keep with you here.. I have seen a lot.. but it is full of joy..ultimately we as one verse ascend into our light bodies, which I have seen are just like holograms of light and color, depending, for to achieve the rainbow body is slightly different to the body of clear light..anyway that is the personal future of beings but as for the planet..there is a lot of work and we have to do it..it's as if Yin and Yang have a major argument and then when they reach the unbearable state they will dissolve into each other and a completely new universe is born which is far in the future and I cannot really tell you this all right now..but for now at this stage it is all like kids having a punch up in backyard..human beings are so immature at this stage they have to keep fighting..but as we know there are many here now who understand and live a better way and set a higher example. We shall see that those who have opened their hearts and minds to understanding have dropped fearful thought forms and live lighter and happier lives..many earthquakes, rising oceans, 600mph winds are on the way , but we have no fear for it is all known and meant to be. I just seemed to know everything at the time..and now I just get bits and pieces.
Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?....Uncertain....I did feel I had a mission, and it was to get to the Great Presence , the most brilliant clear light of the whole experience..but it was every single beings mission in this universe, so we are all together in our ultimate destination..and that is joy-full beyond descriptive language.
Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:....Large changes in my life....I have been to Heaven and Hell and now I am just Being here..it has been a long and difficult journey but I have enjoyed and found a few pearls of wisdom . I am now beginning to relax into my real self as I mature, but I am a slow and stupid learner so I hope I can achieve some good before I depart. I wish to allow myself the luxury of becoming an 'authentic ' human being for the benefit of all sentient beings .....
Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience? Yes well I didn't want to be here anymore..I felt that everyone is just living a lie and I was frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it. I felt so alone. I tried to tell people to get into the light of joy but they wouldn't take me seriously so I gave up and honestly it's taking me a lifetime to figure out how to live here..I am such a head case I had to learn to hide my true thoughts everywhere I go ..ha! but nowadays being older and a bit wiser I just laugh at myself and don't worry so much..I was quite suicidal until my forties..but always knew the work had to be done whilst in the body.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?....Yes ..oh dear..I can attune to certain Beings of wisdom , I can understand people at a deep level..I see visions..sometimes people who have just died come to me afraid of their next step..I do I Ching readings, and sometimes I do healing massage. I had stigmata in both hands..I've had several experiences with extraterrestrials of incredible loving kindness..hmm... it is difficult to write all this stuff here..
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Last year I shared it with a friend called Geoff, at his house in France, so this year he sent me 'Dying to be Me' by Anita Moojani..I wrote this earlier..he is the only person I have told.Today I vaguely told my friend Gina..sort of.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?....No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened: Experience was definitely real I knew I had had the most amazing experience of my life ..it came in a close second after the amazing birth of my sweet son in 1977..but of course I had no one to connect with and though it has not really mattered I feel that it might at some point..I feel that I am mean't to be telling you all this.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:....Experience was definitely real....Yes it was and still is real..the reality of my NDE means that I struggle to talk to anyone about it ..I see things differently to others most of the time, but I can't speak my truth because people have such strong opinions about everything and I really cannot be bothered to enter into any arguments about ultimate reality.
Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?....Yes....I have always struggled with relationships.. but people seem to love having me around.. but I worry they may become unhappy with me if I get too honest.
Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?....Yes I have looked into many different spiritual paths..desperate I was to find something like me..Tibetan Buddhism came close. I receive a lot of messages from beyond this realm and I used to write it all down but these days I don't though it is difficult as I carry a lot of unexpressed information which I feel is needing release. This is constant, the messages are from 'above' as it were and some of it seems imperative but where would one express such sentences, I do not know.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?....Yes I have moments when reality transforms before my eyes..of course this sounds impossible. But everything becomes the hologram, full of colour and living light, the whole world is not as it at first appears..I guess once one has seen it in true light it just happens automatically thereafter.
Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes Yes I feel I have been as open as I can at this time, considering I have had a lot of 'messages ' coming through as I write..the sense of excitement is great around me now..yet a certain peace is here too. I do hope I have made it easy for you to read and that it does make for some inspiration. I realize I have a lot to say and have somewhat shortened my responses, even though you ask for details, I know it would take days to reply in such manner.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The whole experience has been with me every day since it happened 35 years ago..and always I wonder, am I meant to share this with someone..so I have found you because of Geoff sending me Anita's book..wow!
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?....I feel I was touched by a Holiness or Sacredness of spirit and it runs through me at certain times, particularly when a person near me is needing assistance, it fills me up and pours through me into them although they are unaware of it they like to have me around, and at the same time I can get quite drained if stay too long with a person who is closed, which most are, in my experience. But I wish everyone could see what I see and be uplifted.
Source: http://www.nderf.org/NDERF/NDE_Experiences/yazmine_s_nde.htm
